Dad's mail...

For years now, I've received junk mail with my dad's name on it. As you probably know, we had the same first and last name, and lived at the same address when he died. I finally got around to writing this letter to the company that sends out a Knights of Columbus merchandise catalog. Something I am very much not interested in:

April 12, 2010

To the fine people at The English Company, Inc.,

My father – whose name was the same as mine – is the intended recipient of your catalog. He was a Fourth Degree member of the Knights of Columbus, a former Grand Knight, Faithful Navigator, District Deputy, and Missouri state council officer. He definitely enjoyed your catalog, and probably made many purchases over the last few decades. Unfortunately, he passed away in 2005. While this was indeed a sad occasion, it did give us an opportunity to see many of the products featured in your catalog, as there were nearly 60 Fourth Degree Knights participating in the honor guard at his visitation and funeral. It was quite the to-do. Apparently he was a popular guy. Who knew?

With that many honor guard members in one place, there were feathers everywhere. That’s another thing – your chapeau plumes tend to shed. Just a heads-up. I suppose that’s why you sell replacement plumes, though, so maybe it’s a moot point... Also, you may want to make the tips of the honor guard swords a bit less sharp, as the average Fourth Degree honor guard member is approximately 78 years old, tends to hold the sword with the points near eye-level, and not very sure-footed. There were several close calls.

Regardless, while your catalog does provide regular reminders of my father’s love of the Knights of Columbus, I somehow came into possession of his cape, chapeau, sword, medals, and other miscellaneous regalia, all of which will undoubtedly make a wonderful Halloween costume someday. Because I share the same name as my deceased father, and because we were living at the same address when he passed away, when I did move out less than a year later, a lot of his catalogs and other pre-sorted mail followed me to my apartment, and then to the house I purchased a year and a half ago.

Money is tight for everyone right now, and I would like to help you save some money on postage and printing by requesting that my father’s name (and my address) be removed from your mailing list. I manage a large mailing list at my job, and I understand that the majority of the time, you do not receive notification when someone on that list passes away – unless, of course, someone writes to tell you. And it has been my experience that those letters are often less-than-friendly. I understand why I’m on your list, but I also want to play a part in increasing the efficiency and effectiveness of your company by opting out of it. At your convenience, please remove my address from your mailing list. I have enclosed the address from the most recent catalog I received, as this may be of some assistance to you.

Also, I’m not even a member of the Knights of Columbus. I think the guys in New Haven might get a bit nervous if I started ordering service award plaques and travel mass kits for myself.

Thank you for your cooperation, and I wish you all the best!

I figure this will be more memorable (and therefore, more effective) than a standard angry removal request.

Easter, Schmeaster.

I'm pretty much non-religious, so Easter doesn't mean a whole lot to me. I mean, sure, I'm always interested in whether or not he sees his shadow when he comes out of the tomb. That means six more weeks of guilt and fish sticks, right?

I think that's how it goes.

Anyway, given the large number of Christians in this country, I understand why most businesses shut down for the day. Most businesses, that is, except for the largest, most soulless one out there -- Wal-Mart.

Because I was lazy yesterday, I needed to go get groceries today. And, of course, the only place open was Wal-Mart. I got the things I needed and found an open register. The cashier was a woman, probably in her 70s, who was telling every single customer how horrible it was that she had to work on Easter. The lady was almost in tears. Even though I'm not religious, I empathized with this woman.

"I didn't even get to go to church!" she wailed to the mother and three kids who were ahead of me in line.

At that point, Wal-Mart had won my not-so-coveted Jerk of the Day award. But then the mother in front of me came in for the upset.

"Well," she said to the cashier, "at least you have a job. Lots of people don't, you know."

Wow. That's pretty low, even by my standards. I say some pretty dumb things, but even I wouldn't have said that. I mean, let's stop and think about this for a minute. Wal-Mart is a business. A huge business. Wal-Mart has stayed open on holidays like Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas for the last several years. That being said, it should have been no surprise to the cashier that she may have to work on Easter Sunday. I imagine if she hadn't shown up for work that day, she would have probably lost her job. After all, as the mother in front of me pointed out, lots of people are out of work. It sucks for the cashier, but she knew this was a possibility. She was probably unable to find someone to take her shift for the day. I've worked at Wal-Mart. That's how things go, sometimes. I do know, however, from my time at Wal-Mart that working on a Sunday or a holiday means extra pay. Sure, it may only be an extra $8, but it's something.

The mother in front of me, though, was out of line. As anyone who has had a shitty job will tell you (myself included), being reminded that lots of other people could be doing your shitty job and you could be unemployed is never comforting. It actually makes you feel worse.

So if you're out doing stuff today, and you come across a cashier who is upset about having to work on a religious holiday, don't be a dick and tell them they're lucky to have any job at all. Just shut the fuck up, say thank you, and be on your way. They don't need you to put things in perspective, because I guarantee your perspective is not the same as theirs.

Easter, Schmeaster.