Dad's mail...

For years now, I've received junk mail with my dad's name on it. As you probably know, we had the same first and last name, and lived at the same address when he died. I finally got around to writing this letter to the company that sends out a Knights of Columbus merchandise catalog. Something I am very much not interested in:

April 12, 2010

To the fine people at The English Company, Inc.,

My father – whose name was the same as mine – is the intended recipient of your catalog. He was a Fourth Degree member of the Knights of Columbus, a former Grand Knight, Faithful Navigator, District Deputy, and Missouri state council officer. He definitely enjoyed your catalog, and probably made many purchases over the last few decades. Unfortunately, he passed away in 2005. While this was indeed a sad occasion, it did give us an opportunity to see many of the products featured in your catalog, as there were nearly 60 Fourth Degree Knights participating in the honor guard at his visitation and funeral. It was quite the to-do. Apparently he was a popular guy. Who knew?

With that many honor guard members in one place, there were feathers everywhere. That’s another thing – your chapeau plumes tend to shed. Just a heads-up. I suppose that’s why you sell replacement plumes, though, so maybe it’s a moot point... Also, you may want to make the tips of the honor guard swords a bit less sharp, as the average Fourth Degree honor guard member is approximately 78 years old, tends to hold the sword with the points near eye-level, and not very sure-footed. There were several close calls.

Regardless, while your catalog does provide regular reminders of my father’s love of the Knights of Columbus, I somehow came into possession of his cape, chapeau, sword, medals, and other miscellaneous regalia, all of which will undoubtedly make a wonderful Halloween costume someday. Because I share the same name as my deceased father, and because we were living at the same address when he passed away, when I did move out less than a year later, a lot of his catalogs and other pre-sorted mail followed me to my apartment, and then to the house I purchased a year and a half ago.

Money is tight for everyone right now, and I would like to help you save some money on postage and printing by requesting that my father’s name (and my address) be removed from your mailing list. I manage a large mailing list at my job, and I understand that the majority of the time, you do not receive notification when someone on that list passes away – unless, of course, someone writes to tell you. And it has been my experience that those letters are often less-than-friendly. I understand why I’m on your list, but I also want to play a part in increasing the efficiency and effectiveness of your company by opting out of it. At your convenience, please remove my address from your mailing list. I have enclosed the address from the most recent catalog I received, as this may be of some assistance to you.

Also, I’m not even a member of the Knights of Columbus. I think the guys in New Haven might get a bit nervous if I started ordering service award plaques and travel mass kits for myself.

Thank you for your cooperation, and I wish you all the best!

I figure this will be more memorable (and therefore, more effective) than a standard angry removal request.