Happy Easter

This year, Easter is the earliest it's going to be for quite some time. In fact, it's safe to say that nobody alive today -- even the tiniest newborn babies -- will be around the next time Easter comes this early. But why does the date of Easter change each year?

Sit back, ladies and gents, while I explain it to you.

Easter happens on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the Spring Equinox, which, in turn, is determined by waiting two weeks and one day after the end of the major networks' February Sweeps Week. Of course, television was not always around to help us make this determination -- that's why in olden times, calendar makers relied on the return of swallows to San Juan Capistrano, as the Equinox would have occurred four or five days before everything in town was covered in swallow shit. It is said that on the Spring Equinox, if you wake up very early, you can stand your drunk uncle up on both legs for as long as five minutes.

Legend has it that on Easter, the Easter Bunny leaves presents for good girls and boys beneath the jack-o-leek (pumpkins, sadly, are not in season this time of year, but leeks are). While the Easter Bunny hops around, spreading his own special brand of cheer, a close watch is kept on Jesus' tomb, where, if he sees his shadow upon resurrecting, there will be six more weeks of guilt.

So, now that you know the origins of Easter, I hope you all have a wonderful day surrounded by loved ones. And chocolate. Lots of chocolate.